Matsui hits an early home run. Before he's finished rounding the bases, we see a close-up of Jeter in the dugout clapping.

Then, for those who missed it, we see a slow-motion replay of Jeter clapping in the dugout.

Okay, here's a question. If Jeter gets killed, who are they gonna show reaction shots of at his funeral? (Oh, it'll be on every channel.)

Did I ever tell you the "second gear start" story? I got a car back in 2000, one that's currently driving its swan drive. In its early days, a light on the dash came on: "second gear start." I knew what it was referring to--the car was sluggish when I'd first step on the gas, until it finally reached "second gear" (or whatever you call it when an automatic vehicle gears up that first time when you hit like 20 MPH or whatever--can you tell I know nothing about cars?), at which point everything went back to normal. So on the highway, everything was fine. But around the suburban streets of Danbury, no go.

I asked everybody. Nobody had heard this "second gear start" term, and no one knew how to make my car cease being stuck in this mode. I even "checked the Internet," as Google was not yet America's default. Nothing. So I finally had to bring the thing back to the dealership, even though I felt like if I could just un-"second gear start" the thing, it would go back to normal.

I explained the problem, and 400 bucks later, the car is back, the light's off, and it running fine. However, the automatic seat-adjusting buttons are no longer working. As usual when your car gets fixed, you get it back with the driver's seat pushed WAY back, and I couldn't move the thing forward! They had left it outside for me after they were closed, so I had no choice but to drive it home with my legs at full extension, barely able to reach the pedals, and then bring it back again.

When I told them that the seat had been fine until THEY broke it, they didn't care. They charged me 200 more dollars to fix what they had broken. I remember telling the nicely dressed people who worked in the offices what the grease-covered guys were doing to me, and while they were on my side, they acted like the mechanics were "those we do not speak of."

So I spent 600 dollars but I had my car back the way it was, finally.

A few weeks later, I'm getting in my car, and my left knee hits the area of the dashboard that's...well, in front of where your left knee is while you're driving. And what do I see, but the "second gear start" light. Here we go again... But wait. How did my knee cause the light to go on. I look down into that dark corner of the car where you never look, and what do I see, but a little, horizontal light switch, now flipped to the right, just below the words "second gear start." For some reason, you can choose to put your car in this mode. If you know where the switch is. Or, you can bump it accidentally, have your car be all messed up, and have to take it in for "repairs," which in reality is someone flipping the switch back to the left. Can you imagine the mechanics at that moment?

"Oh! Everybody come here! I want you guys to see how we make the easiest 400 bucks of our life! This guy wants us to take his car out of 'second gear start' mode. Watch this!

(*flip*)

Done and done."

"But, uhhhh, boss, can we really charge for something like that?"

"Shut up! Give him the car back, and don't say a word about that switch!"

"You mean we're not even gonna tell him how he can avoid this in the future?"

"No! And we're gonna charge FIVE hundred next time he accidentally bumps that switch! And remember to break something else while you're 'fixing' it so he has to come back regardless!"

Now, you, the reader, can come up with your own way to connect this story to the Phillies and their quest to win the final two games of the World Series.

I reallly wanted to write a Letter to the Editor of that traitorous article by Joe Nocera...I was beaten to it by his own brother!

Thanks to Riggs for the heads-up.

Among the many reasons that article bothered me was the fact that I lived for so long in the NY-area and then in NYC, and not once did I think, Oh, I'm here, might as well root for the team I hate! And that guy moves to New York after like 50 years and switches like it's nothing.

We go "back to New York!"

I love that the Yanks almost came back but didn't. Two more, Phillies! Any way you can get 'em.

This is so funny. The id # in the url for a Yanks AL Champs hat ends with 26. I did my usual thing where I change the url to the next number up--27--to see if I can see the gear for titles that haven't been clinched yet, and it took me to a page with "notyet" in the url!

(True as of this writing, 6:16 PM.)

I remember this one time when the Yanks were up three to zero in a seven-game series, and they lost that time, so they can definitely blow a three-one lead. By going back to their number one starter they got an extra win, but now they have the lower-numbered starter up to Game 7.

So as long as the Phils aren't sitting their with their chin in their hands assuming it's over, they can win the 1 vs. 2 matchup in Game 5, and the 2 vs. 3 matchup in Game 6, and then in Game 7, it's all paws on patio.

Also, I'd like to say "chin up" to Yankee fans, as their team's drought against the Red Sox in the postseason has continued another season. You'll get over the hump one of these years, and this "curse" will be removed from your heads, don't worry!

I don't want to be out of line here, telling Philly fans what to do, but I'll give them a hint: IT'S THE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU DID TONIGHT. ie. "sittin' there, chin in hands." It's the World Series.

Now for the actual team: Inexcusable. You don't leave a base unattended. If you do, pick a time other than "ninth inning of tie game in the (shouting now) WORLD SERIES."

There's nothing you can do about Jeter's 500-hop hits or the bloops that fall in, but my god, keep your heads in the effing game!

On the Yanks' last two hits in the ninth, Jeter had nothing to do with either one, but was shown four times cheering. I still just don't get it. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe he really is god. It makes perfect sense. Someone does something, then we see the reaction of he who divined it to be possible. Okay, in that case, I get it. What else could it be? Is somebody paying for it? Is it like facial product placement? One shot of him clapping in slow motion for something he had nothing to do with would be weird and mysterious. Four times within two minutes? There HAS to be something I'm missing.

Time to win three in a row, Phillies.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Some fucking piece of shit called Joe Nocera has written a stinking pile of dog-load about how he grew up a Red Sox fan his whole life (he's an old-ass motherfucker), but starting this year he "warmed up to the Yankees" and is now rooting for them for the following un-fucking-believably stupid reasons:

1. Likes the way A-Rod has dealt with his steroid scandal. (You mean the one he caused by taking fucking steroids, you jackass?)

2. George Steinbrenner has become much easier to admire later in life. (Psst...go fuck yourself.)

3. Loves those four Yankee assholes that have been on the team for a while, calls them the "Four Horseman" (capitalized), and tells me that I, the reader, and I fucking quote, "(would) have to have a heart of stone not to want to see them win it all one more time before they retire."

You dick. You'd have to have a heart of stone to WANT to see guys with four rings already on the richest, most evil team in history win AGAIN. Is this article some kind of sick practical joke? Did this fucker lose the shittiest bet in history?

He wraps it up by claiming--and unless I still haven't woke up and this is all a horrible nightmare, I swear this is a real article, you can click the link--that the Yankees ARE THE UNDERDOGS. Let's look at JOE NOCERA's definition of an "underdog": "Team with most championships, most money, with home field advantage, and who are favored to win."

That's a fucking overdog, asshole. And that's what you are. An overdog. Definition: Dog who's so goddamn old that when he shits, it comes out his mouth, so you have to turn him over and put him out of his misery. (All apologies to actual overdogs who are smarter than this old, old fuck.) The worst part: the guy's from MY current town of Providence.

Note to all humans: This man does not represent us. He obviously has suffered some kind of head injury. Ignore his words. And Red Sox fans, including this guy's friends, when this guy realizes what he's done and comes begging for forgiveness like that dumbass woman who "divorced" the Yankees because she just couldn't deal with them doing slightly better than great for like a month, lock your doors. Do not let him in. He's already gone.

I'm probably the only person in the universe reading about "Schrödinger's cat thought experiment" while watching Judas Priest's "You Got Another Thing Comin'" video. At least at this moment.

(And the fact that it's happening during an hour which has already happened* makes it even weirder.)

I need to go to bed.


*I just set the clocks back to go back to eastern standard time....

Recap: Cole Hamels has three-run lead, strikes Teixeira out, then gives up ball off wall to A-Rod. But since the Yankees have been paying off the umpires for the entire playoffs, they call it a walk and a home run. I love how they go and change the call without conclusive evidence and that's apparently allowed! And freakin' Fox, after all this talk for the last year about relays and getting home run calls right, goes and hovers a camera over the fence in fair territory! I feel like Joe Buck wanted to apologize but figured he'd better wait for the okay from the brass. Anyway, soon Yankees were blooping their little shitty bloops, and that was it.

Hopefully Philly fans (at least the ones who didn't sell their tickets to scalpers and leave their stadium crawling with Yankee fans) are realizing that when you play this filthy team, you not only have to beat the astronomical payroll that's nowhere near any other team's, but you also have to beat the umps.

But it can be done. It's only 2-1 here.

I noticed the following on Zack Hample's blog. He was at the New Loo trying to get someone to give him a ticket the other night, and...

The second guy was a Yankee employee -- one of those guys who stand outside with those signs that say "How May I Help You?" -- who said he had a friend who was selling bleacher tickets for $550. [...] When I told him that was way beyond my price range, he said, "I know a guy who can walk you in for two-fifty. Then you're on your own. Standing room only."

So not only do Yankee Stadium employees fraternize with the local sweatpants brigade, but some of them will take bribes and let you in to a World Series game. MLB people, you're always going around to every corner of the Internet, removing two-second clips of games from 1985 that no one's making money off of and that you'll never use anyway. What say you go check out the real criminals? (I know you're partnered with StubHub while still telling us right on your tickets that reselling them is illegal, but I think even you would admit "walking someone in for 250" isn't right....)

Oh, so I saw Steven Wright tonight. He was opening for Jimmy Fallon down at URI, and we've always wanted to see him. So we left a bowl of candy outside our door and headed down there, knowing we'd miss the beginning of the game. Wright was great--just non-stop one-liners as you'd expect. And Fallon was funny, too. There was also a "bonus comic," Wayne Federman. I thought he was really good, too. And now that I look him up, I see he not only wrote a biography of Pistol Pete Maravich, but was an extra in Black Sunday! Anyway, we left the show, got in the car, and had such a great moment (later shot to hell) when we heard Sterling say Pettitte had given up three. And we were shocked that it was only the second inning at 10:00, so we didn't miss much.

Oh, I forgot to mention yet another new low in Jeter-gregiousness. This time it was the audio version! Friday morning on the way to work, I was switching stations and saw that it was 8:53, so I knew I could put on CBS-880 without hearing anything about the Yankee win the night before. Yet I had this feeling like somehow there would be some general WS story anyway, and I was right. I flip it on and they start this story on how New Yorkers experienced some notable live music the night before. I guess the Knicks game had something at halftime, and of course the Yanks had Jay-Z (who admits right in his song that his stupid fucking Yankee hat is for fashion purposes, and just now I thought to myself, I bet that guy, like any other casual New York sports fan who has multiple teams to choose from so that they can ALWAYS be a "winner," rooted for the Mets when they were on top, and I quickly found an article which supported my theory) and Alicia Keys. So the reporter tells about the Yankee Stadium performance and adds, "...while Derek Jeter and the other players looked on." Hooray! He's even integral in live music performances that take place near him!

Oh, and for anyone who wasn't watching late in Game One, my report that they were actually showing Jeter's face in the field on a split screen DURING pitches wasn't satire (though I think I'd brought that possibility up as a potential sign of the apocalypse).

Okay, almost time for Game 3. I hear the Phillies have the Phlu. You know what to do, Phils: BREATHE ON THEM. Especially Matsui. And Teixeira's face.

Unrelated to anything update: Same deal with all Ticketmaster tickets. They still have the Yankees-related disclaimers on the back, no matter what event the ticket is for. I've gotten Celts tix and concert tix recently, and they still have it. I'm not gonna make another video, so you can check out my old one. I still have no idea why this would possibly be, other than the fact that maybe they printed up billions of these and were stuck with them, and would prefer not trashing all that inventory to having everyone's ticket have a completely meaningless disclaimer on the back. But they didn't get rich by writin' a lot of checks....

While trying to find that video, I noticed this one I shot off the TV, where the woman behind Heidi Watney kisses her friend. I'm still surprised that moment didn't make it to all the wacky college-y web sites. Or maybe it did and I never noticed because I don't go to them.

Ate at this place called Louis' today. Just looking at, you think, Hey, was this place on that Diners, Somethings, and Dives show with that guy? So I asked Kim and she didn't know, but within two minutes noticed a sign right behind me saying the place WAS about to be featured THIS Monday night on that show. Crazy. So if you're a Providence person, check it out. The show and/or the place. (I liked that they had a book about the history of the World Series from '85 at a bookcase next to our table. Kim quizzed me. Woohoo!)

Game 3 tonight. I won't see all of it so I will have to pray to all that is holy that when I get the score, "Phillies" is said first. Pleasepleasepleaseplease....

Did you see Burnett's blatant balk last night? Man on first, AJ's paused in the stretch. While on the rubber, he starts leaning forward very noticeably, and then steps off. A blatant move toward the plate, then he changes his mind and moves the right foot back. That's a balk. I yelled it at the TV, and as I did, I hear a voice say "he can't lean forward like that!" It was Davey Lopes, the first base coach. Joe Buck did notice, but I'm sure Fox had some taco commercial they had to play so we didn't see a replay and they didn't talk about it further.

But here's the mega-bonus. My co-worker knows Davey Lopes. The dude's from East Providence. She'd been planning on calling him anyway, so now I've instructed her to let Davey know that some of us saw the balk and heard him rightly complain!

And speaking of Rhode Island major leaguers...I had no idea Sam Horn lives around here...until I had to politely ask him to move his giant body so I could get some cheese at the grocery store Wednesday night! (I love that he was wearing a Red Sox hat at the time....)

Post title reference: think Mudhoney. And no, I'm not implying Burnett was trying to deceive the runner, but he definitely did and I can't figure out how an ump could miss that. Then again look who we're talking about here...

None of 'em are worse than Yankee fans. At least the overthrown dictator doesn't sit there in hell saying "I'm still in charge! I rule!" But Yankee fans live in a reality all their own.

Fine job, Pedro, with a little run support you would have had a W. I believe it was Craig Carton today who said the one thing he was sure of was that Pedro wouldn't strike out 10, like Lee did. (He struck out 9.) I still don't know why so many people don't realize how great this guy has been and still is. I remember Michael Kay thinking he was done five years ago because he didn't have the same old velocity, saying, "it's not like he's Greg Maddux." Yeah, he's better!

Doesn't AJ Burnett remind you of those vampires in I Am Legend? Especially with that head shaved.

Can we get one Yankee playoff series played without the umps outwardly rooting for the Yanks? If you're gonna give an unfair advantage, at least give it to the team that isn't called the Yankees.

So bad that KGB planted living ads behind the plate and behind first base. In case you didn't notice, they had people with the blue jacket from their stupid commercials, unzipped to reveal a shirt plastered KGB logos. These people acted like fans, but really they were just trying to stand as much to show the logo. They'd cheer as if they were all into the game, but if they really were, they wouldn't have been missing half the pitches because they were texting.

Speaking of that, remember "Tom," who came by here leaving a seemingly legit comment, only it had a blatant ad right in the middle of it? I extended an invitation to the person to come by and leave his thoughts in a not-for-profit way. Well, obviously he never read that, nor has he noticed the "ad-free blog" banner, because he came by again today as if the whole other episode never existed, with another shitty ad comment. (And again Allan of Joy of Sox confirms he got another one today, too.) So totally crappy.

Werth, can you not get picked off by the damn catcher after getting a leadoff hit? The Phils did have a few chances tonight, but they acted slightly more Twins/Angels than like Phillies. At least the go to go home now, and they got one game in NY.

McCarver said some incredibly dumb things tonight. If I think of any of them, or anything else, I'll post it tomorrow.

Nobody told the Angels or Twins that any pop-up to the right side is a home run. I was reeeally helping someone told the Phillies, and it kinda looks like they did. And now we've got Matt Stairs in the lineup. So hopefully him and the other Phils are swinging up again tonight.

One hour and something minutes till Pedro action!

During a really awesome night of baseball, I had a horrible nightmare! I dreamed that they finally went all the way overboard and started showing close-ups of Jeter's face in the field on a split screen DURING pitches. Can you believe that? Good thing we know no network cold ever go that crazy. They'd have to immediately give up their right to show games to another network in that case. Especially if their reasoning was that there was a man on second in a 5-0 game so the audience needs to know what the shortstop's face is doing at all times.

So Cliff Lee, seriously, he was Clavin' tonight. And making quick work. Paceman Lee. That is exactly what we needed. A game in which the Phils use none of their pen and the Yanks lose with their ace at home AND waste a bunch of their crappy pen guys.

Hey, did McCarver say that A-Rod has renewed his love of the game? Double-U Tee Eff?

One down, three to go, and our man Pedro ready to shut 'em down tomorrow. Francesa and his Yankee fan breth- and sistren can't be feeling too comfortable about Burnett in a key game.

And from my friend Jason--check it out, do Yankee fans not know how to pronounce their best pitcher's name? WCBS880 doesn't think so:

I started this blog before the 2004 season, so tonight is the first time in the Internet-presence-me era that the Yanks will be playing in the World Series. Five years of them not even being there. An amazingly terrible job by them, and I certainly am grateful for it, especially considering the era we were coming out of back then.

2003: What a team we had. We fell in love with them (more than usual) and they went a long way. And their heartbreak made 2004 that much sweeter. So we ended up with a Marlins-Yankees matchup. And I really didn't watch much. Hardly any memories of it. For some reason I remember putting it on the radio in my car going from New Haven to Danbury with gritted teeth--and then watching Beckett get Posada to end it. Before that, those bums were in it in 2001, and coming off the 3 out of 4, and seeing them get late-inning win after win, I was about ready to go on a shooting spree. Fortunately, they finally blew it in the end--I heard the end on the radio, and my dad called right after and said "there is a god."

Hopefully they can extend their WS losing streak to 3.

Let's proverbially go Phillies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This article says:

Given that the Yankees have won a whopping 26 World Series championships and 40 American League pennants since 1923,

Okay, just because they've won their 26 World Series from '23 on, doesn't mean ALL their AL pennants came after that. Everybody knows they lost their first two World Series, in 1921 and 1922. Making it either 40 since '21 or '38 since '23. Terrible job, reporter.

So Steve Phillips cheats on his wife--again--and is fired by ESPN. Yet a lot of sports show hosts aren't making fun of Steve for cheating, but for cheating with an "unattractive" person! What kind of message is this? "Hey, kids, it's okay to destroy the lives of your spouse/family/kids/self, as long as you get to score with a 'hot chick'."

It's definitely is consistent with the virtual museum of sexism that is sports radio.

Let's take a look at two of the guys who have made fun of that Phillips' girlfriend's looks (shown here sandwiching the woman who helps run one of these stations and should fire herself):



Yes! Now those are the type of knock-down gorgeous people you should be cheating on your spouse with! THAT would be perfectly acceptable!

So Steve Phillips cheats on his wife--again--and is fired by ESPN. Yet a lot of sports show hosts aren't making fun of Steve for cheating, but for cheating with an "unattractive" person! What kind of message is this? "Hey, kids, it's okay to destroy the lives of your spouse/family/kids/self, as long as you get to score with a 'hot chick'."

It's definitely is consistent with the virtual museum of sexism that is sports radio.

Let's take a look at two of the guys who have made fun of that Phillips' girlfriend's looks (shown here sandwiching the woman who helps run one of these stations and should fire herself):



Yes! Now those are the type of knock-down gorgeous people you should be cheating on your spouse with! THAT would be perfectly acceptable!