Aside from an extremely lame host (sweet track suit dude), "Supreme Commander," aka "guy who wishes he was the cool party person from college that organized mixers," which is funny because that isn't a cool guy to be, the New York Times article is alluring. The point is these damned berries.

These miracle berries have the profound ability to make sour foods taste abnormally sweet and thus they have an estranging effect on all foods, since all foods have varying levels of sourness and the alteration causes the rest of the flavors to become jumbled. The possibilities are entertaining: drinking cheap tequila or vodka without flinching, downing hot sauce like water, or perhaps a "flavor roofie" prank.

There are stipulations of course, a single berry costs upwards of $2 and they perish easily, but they are available through Supreme Loser's website and the more humble, MiracleFruitMan.com.

Why? Why is this promotional video so mesmerizing? My ears cannot help but twitter so alertly at the sounds coming from this inane young man's mouth--his beautiful god damn mouth. It's like a perfect story--every couple of lines makes you perk up and think: "he just said that, he said it and he doesn't even backtrack once--he is special."

I think this is what a budding fascist dictator starts off like--you love him for no reason.

"Stop having boring tuna."
"Stop having a boring life."

Jesus.

If you've been enjoying this blog for more than just the reviews, which hopefully means you like relatively funny things and/or mocking popular things in society because of how unaware we are of the absurdity of our lives then you may want to check out a new collaboration: Major League Team.


So if you like to read a lot of bullshit and you're generally an absurdist person you'll probably enjoy the anecdotal and critical essays posted at MLT. If not, then you're probably not reading this--that's weird.

Pizza. Artistic simplicity at its apex. Each layer, a complex barrier of texture and flavor that meshes with other layers indiscriminately--a complete embrace with nuances of careful revision over centuries of making these geometric anomalies. Yet, one can glean wisdom from it's pronounced simple nature--take notice, all forms are simple: triangle, square, rectangle--and the eternal circle, a symbol of perfection in many cultures. Be weary of polyhedrons.

Pythagoras once said:

"In justification of entwining multiple values of varying mediums it is good to make an external party incredulous of it's equatable, yet axiomatic, results."

Just kidding, I made that up. But it is true--and pizza is a good example of it. Pizza Villa is just a corner place in Weehawken near the Lincoln Tunnel. I see the same old man at the counter every time I go in and every time he is soft-spoken and attentive--he may be a village elder, I'm not sure. The slices are cheap, around $2, and large only one or two and you will be sated.

I prefer the chicken cutlet slice, a generous perforation on the top of the slice filled with chopped chicken cutlet. Substantial. But all of the slices are at least eagles on the course (that's a golfing reference). Their Italian sub is pretty good, but the pizza is their forte. It is universally understood that places like this are always better than franchises like Domino's or Pizza Hut, etc.--Pizza Villa is not an exception to this rule.

3502 Park Ave., Weehawken, NJ 07086, 201 223 0400

Step 1: Pour one bottle of Guinness into a glass. Pour a shot glass of half Jameson Whiskey and half Bailey's Irish Cream. Raise shot glass over Guinness and make a weird looking face at the people around you (see above).


Step 2: Drop the shot glass into the Guinness and quickly drink the entire mixture without stopping or else the cream and beer will curdle and taste terrible--but if you drink it quickly it will taste smooth and almost chocolate-esque.


What a festive drink, right?

Disclaimer: To all the bartenders etc. who think this drink is offensive--It's not. It's a drink, it's not a statement about Irish people, it's a really dumb way to justify drinking a bunch of alcoholic things at once--In an intelligent society we wouldn't be drinking at all. So, please, just take it easy.

Disclaimer: To everyone--Don't drink any alcohol ever.

Open 24 hours, relatively cheap (for NYC), mediocre service--you can gauge this to be a model "drunk food spot" for consistently inconsistent meals.

Some will swear by their fried foods or this or that appetizer because they stumbled in at 4 a.m. and they were in heaven when the greasy edibles descended upon them. But what if they were sober? What if?

Others will still say, sober or not, that this place is severely lacking in the quality factor. I tend to leave things circumstantial; in an ideal world there would be a breathalyzer test at the door of joints such as this so you could visually see whether or not you'll like it:

Drunkard #1 gives the breathalyzer a try.
Drunkard #1: ".11! This is going to be great!"
He walks into the establishment.
Drunkard #2 gives it a try.
Drunkard #2: ".08--Shucks. I'll be back; I have a keg stand appointment."

I ordered a turkey club--I like to think that the simpler things you order at places like this the less of a chance you have of being disappointed if they mess it up. When I think of a turkey club, I think: cold, refreshing, crisp. What I got at Around the Clock: oddly warm, soft, and very rich and buttery. In the end it was OK, I'm sure there's worse out there, but I won't order it again if I end up back there. I am perplexed by how rich-tasting the sandwich was--it was infused with butter in a manner that made it feel as though I weren't eating a sandwich, but rather a butterwich. That's a lot of butteriness.

The waitress was indifferent towards us, I don't think she really liked us--why? I'm not sure. I should've asked. Maybe next time. She probably had a lot on her mind, which is fine. Sort those things out, waitress, please go home and relax after your shift and meditate upon your numerous quandaries--I hope for your success.

*Note: Dine or Death does not endorse the practice of keg stands.*

8 Stuyvesant St., New York, NY 10003, 212 598 0402,

I have mixed feelings for this place. First, what a great generic name, but the problem lies therein. Read on to see why.

A small store front in Chinatown, it looks very appealing from outside--dumplings are one of those things that you cannot dislike--they are undeniably good; neat packages of steamed or fried meat and vegetables for convenient eating and dipping that can accompany any meal or simply be a snack.

I had a sampling of dishes here: Mongolian beef, a noodle soup of sorts, and two types of dumplings. I'm sorry the details escape me exactly--I believe the dumplings were "sweet buns" and maybe the minimalist yet blunt "pork dumplings."

The Mongolian beef was the highlight here--one of the best I've had. Shredded greens and onions were crisp and held flavor tenaciously. The beef was tender and entangled with the vegetables beautifully. Pressing the wonderful strands of beef and vegetables into rice made it a great experience. The soup was not very good, but not very bad either; literally forgettable to say the least.

What about the dumplings you say? They were unimpressive. Perhaps it was the late night ordering or maybe I am just not used to dumplings of this sort, but they seemed literally too sweet. Among other things they were weirdly chewy and splurted scalding dumpling water when bitten. The texture was not what I expect from a dumpling--too soft, yet requiring vigorous chewing still--an anomaly.

Prices were standard for Chinatown $5-10 per item. Go get the Mongolian beef and be blessed with the might of a thousand Huns on the war prowl.

52 Beach St., Boston, MA 02111, 617 338 6223

Upper Crust tends to get mixed reactions from a broad range of people in Boston. Some love it, some say it's overpriced, some say it's the best--others: the worst. I'll try to give you as objective of a review as possible--because I usually do that, I think.

Let's start with some circumstantial logic. Upper Crust is a decent chain with a lot of location in the Boston area and they win numerous local awards every year. They specialize in Neapolitan style pizza, which denotes very thin triangle slices with a mild presence of sauce. It's good, neither heavy in your stomach nor greasy--no excess oil surplus here. However, consider that some will say that it gets very hard and chewy if not eaten while fresh--I have experienced this before.

The Contrast:

I'll assert that on Newbury St. Upper Crust's antithesis is Bostone. Bostone is not a chain so it lacks the availability that Upper Crust has. Also an award-winning pizza joint, Bostone offers Neapolitan style pizza, but shifts focus to Sicilian pizza, which denotes thick, square-shaped pizza with a heartier consistency than Neapolitan. Bostone has notably greasier Neapolitan slices than upper Crust, but their Sicilian pizza is excellent in all variables.

Both are similarly priced with a slice coming to around $3-4. Although expect a large price jump from the Neapolitans to the Sicilian, which can cost anywhere between $18-40 depending on how many toppings and if you get a small or large. If you do get a large Sicilian though, you will see why it's so expensive--they are colossal.

Conclusion:

Get both. See if you prefer Upper Crust's Neapolitan or Bostone's Sicilian. That'd be the easiest way. I prefer Bostone's Sicilian, more filling, more irregular (Neapolitan seems more the standard) and the texture is amazing--a blend of crisp crust that crunches when you bite and soft and doughy on top.

Bostone: 225 Newbury St., Boston, MA 02115, 617 536 9451, www.bostonepizza.com
Upper Crust: Boston, Cambridge, Brookline, Watertown, www.theuppercrustpizzeria.com

Expect to see a lot more posts on New York and New Jersey restaurants from now on. I've made the move from the little city to the big city and so I'll be a visitor in Boston and a regular in NYC. I'm sure you're just as excited as I am. Also, I'm going to pat myself on the back for landing an editor job during this economic catastrophe. Thanks, I appreciate you too.

There are lot of good places to eat in Tribeca, but they're not all winners by far. This statement isn't to reflect directly upon Edward's, because Edward's is great--it's sort of the New York parallel to Boston's Parish Cafe. This initial statement was to highlight Edward's, I guess.

A European style cafe with a bit of a diner quality to it, Edward's, certainly stands out, which is something to say for a standard American cuisine restaurant. But the exceed expectation in quality in service, which is an honest perspective from me.

Stopping in for lunch, I ordered the special, a barbecue chicken wrap with a light green salad and cooled it all down with a Brooklyn. I was expecting something average--a chicken wrap does not get me terribly excited, but I was pleasantly surprised and I could see why it was a special and not on the regular menu. The tortilla was toasted to a slight crisp and the chicken was half-shredded, half thicker bits--a good texture; the innards were doused thoroughly in tangy, but not overwhelming barbecue sauce. The salad was light and crisp with a couple cherry tomatoes and a drizzling of oil. The food was satisfying, but it's important to note the waiter was a congenial fellow and sociable; he had an air of sincerity about him--very rare nowadays.

136 West Broadway, New York, NY 10013, 212 233 6436, www.edwardsnyc.com

I decided to stop here on a whim and get some breakfast and do some recreational reading. It was a decent choice. Food on the cheap side (relative to midtown prices) and it was quiet. I got a standard bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on a toasted bun and it was certainly fresher than any pre-made frozen breakfast sandwich you get at any chain restaurant.

Since this is a juice bar I was obligated to try a smoothie and got mango, orange, banana type that boasted large doses of vitamin C. It was good, but a bit frothy and mild. I tried another that was raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries--similar outcome, but still good.

When I finished the bill came to around $15. I walked down 9th Ave. all the way down to the zeros, stopping at a park in Greenwich Village and at a few shops. It was a very relaxing day. Bright and sunny.

EDIT*--Did anyone notice this post was Bukowski-esque? I reread it today and it was very apparent.

498 9th Ave., New York, NY 10018, 212 268 0796

It was my friend Caitlin's birthday and instead of taking the easy way out, our friend Alison, pulled out all the stops and made this cake for her in the shape of a rodent. It glistens like the fur of a small mammal even! Those small appendages are unsettling as well. However the guts of this mouse are made of red velvet cake--very impressive. A dilemma arises: are all rodent issues considered problematic?

Never having been to Ethiopia nor having tasted Ethiopian food before I can neither vouch for the authenticity of Addis Red Sea nor deny it. However, I can attempt to reveal it's tasty factor.

Other than having a name reminiscent of a Melville novel, Addis Red Sea is a small Ethiopian restaurant on the main drag in the South End. The staff do not wear uniforms, rather they don flowy robes and skirts that I assume are suitable to African cultural wear. I'm not sure if that interests you, but if you are a rare fetishist then perhaps you'll appreciate me.

The picture above may mislead so let me explain to you that this is not a plate of food; it is a rounded basket with a large saucer atop it that is covered with 3 large pita-esque pieces of porous bread each covered with a few different types of food. The idea here is that eating is very communal and everyone shares and eats with their hands (there are no utensils). There is supplemental bread which is used to pick the saucy and curry-like foods up with. The food ranged from fried crispy fish, collard greens and thick beef stew to tomato salad, lamb and lentils. If you like to have a little of everything then this is a great place for you.

The types of food are somewhat various. Our prix-fixe menu had an equal amount of meat and vegetarian parts that blended well. Pricing is fair with a prix-fixe option made for two coming to $25. All of the food was good, but nothing stuck out significantly--although the cottage cheese appetizer shown above was a above-average beginner. I recommend Addis Red Sea to all, but warn that the cool, porous, bread used to eat everything with is heavy and has a undeniably "eggy" taste to it, which can fill you up in an unsettling way if you are a big eater. Addis Red Sea is definitely a suitable place for groups of people who want to socialize casually and take their time snacking.

544 Tremont St., Boston, MA 02116, 617 426 8727, www.addisredsea.com

A mystical sort of fame surrounds Bartley's in Harvard Square. I hear rumors it is the best burger place in the state--or was it the North East? The Nation? Either way, it's been lingering in the recesses of my mind for quite some time and I finally indulged myself with some meat patties of the beef variety and investigated this supposed hamburger-lover sanctuary.

The names of the majority of the burgers on the menu at Bartley's are taken from famous and often scandalous politicians or celebrities with other attempts of wit inserted here and there although the names don't particularly match with the ingredients (not to my knowledge at least). e.g. "The Hillary Clinton: mushroom burger with sour cream and fries." In my opinion this burger is a falsity--Hillary is neither spore-like nor sour. Perhaps this burger should come with molasses to symbolize her tenacity in holding some sort of office or maybe some nail filer to connote the sharpness of her nails--yes the Bill Clinton burger would logically have scratch marks on it.

I order a "This Old House" in honor of my father's longtime spectating of the show and thus my reluctant viewing of it as well when I was younger. We all grow to appreciate things. The thick beef patty was succulent, yes, with a scattering of roasted red peppers atop it and thoroughly melted provolone cheese. The patty was cooked well, not overcooked, juices flowing liberally. The roasted red peppers were simply that, crisp and tasty, but lacking some seasoning. Provolone cheese is mild by nature, but beware of a cheese avalanche whilst you angle your burger upward to bite it. The sweet potato fries were of above average quality--a good substitute for the standard fries.

Over-hyped? Possibly. Delicious? Yes. Prices are fair, but slightly high with a burger averaging around $10.

1246 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge, MA 02138. 617 354 6559, www.mrbartley.com

Bored? Like to be intellectually stimulated? Yeah, I bet you do. I bet you think you're pretty great. Maybe you are, but personally, one of my peeves is people who are boastful and think too highly of themselves to a obnoxious extent.

Sorry. What I meant to say was go here and read some reviews on food at McSweeney's Reviews of New Food. The title is somewhat false, because a lot of this food is not new. But it is entertaining and may or may not build your appetite. Here's an excerpt from one review:

"Then I'm slicing this bagel with the same knife I'd always used to slice bagels before I was only a guest here. I'm terrified of the familiarity of it. I know without looking in the drawer exactly which knife I want. I use this knife as if I own it and then realize too late what I'm doing and the knife is screaming, "Who touched me?" There's a thing in the Bible like this, about a bleeding woman who touches the cloak of Jesus and is healed but then won't confess to having done it. I try to erase my using of the knife, wash it and dry it and replace it in the drawer where I found it, the point facing in the same direction it was facing before. "Who touched me?" Oh, no. Not me. You can't blame me for this."