What passes for incisive social commentary in the Globe these days
By adamg - Wed, 10/03/2007 - 8:50am.
Alex Beam devotes five whole minutes to write up a list of all the things he doesn't use and all the authors he doesn't read. Also, he lets us know he doesn't live in Brooklyn. Just in case we were wondering. Which, let's be honest, we weren't.
Joe Keohane imagines Globe Editor Marty Baron's reaction and not so gently suggests it's time for Beam to either retire or die.
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Insufferable Windbag
Beam is an insufferable windbag, who has never had much of anything to say as a columnist. I can even vaguely recall him writing a column very similar to this about 6 or 7 years ago, where he talked about how "not cool" (or was it emasculated? no matter...) he was because he drove a minivan. I also love his columns about how he feels unwelcome in Provincetown, because he's straight. Lots of incisiveness from that one; Brian McGrory at least had some fire in him!
The guy tapes up all of his hatemail on his office door at 135 Morrissey Boulevard, so if you want to make a name for yourself at the Boston Globe, there's a good way to try.
Beam hate mail
And he podcasts it once a month. I've always been curious how anybody could get worked up enough about a Beam column to actually write or call him. It'd be like getting outraged about some leaves in your front yard.
I Just Read The Beam Column...
... and it seems like LOTS of folks here are getting outraged about some leaves in their front yards.
I'm no fan of Beam, but what's the big deal? I could see myself writing something similar on my blog; a bit of benign, mostly-innocuous fluff, perhaps slightly snide. It wouldn't be everybody's cup of tea, but what is?
Am I missing something? Does Beam have some sort of hidden agenda that everybody is pissed about? Is it because he's a well-paid columnist that so many of you are getting your panties in a twist? Or, maybe, his entire body of work has upset some of you, and this just tipped you over the edge?
I'm seriously looking for an answer. I don't see the big deal.
Suldog
http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com
Beam in thine eye
Two answers:
A) It's the totality of his work over the past decade, if not longer (I remember when I thought he was consistently great; then he went on an extended leave and when he came back, never seemed quite the same). A lot of his columns are like that one, except that some manage to combine both inanity and offensiveness (like the one where he complained about gay people stealing ABBA and Superman from him).
B) I'm betting you don't get paid for your posts what he gets paid for his columns.
Combine the two and it's enough to get people to rise out of their chairs at the Club, take their monocles off their faces and go "harrumph!" :-).
Hey now
We don't take our monocles off and go "harrumph!"
Sometimes we also say "Of all the cheek!" or motion someone over while we hold the ear trumpet up and loudly ask them to repeat what the newcomer (who's been here for 15 years) said.
B) is undoubtedly true...
... although I wish I could get what he's probably getting. Who knows? If inanity sells, there may be hope for me yet.
As for A), I guess I haven't read enough of his stuff to have formed the same strong opinions as some.
(As for your final visual, you deserve to be showered with gold coin. I love it.)
Suldog
http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com
Looks like the Globe
...sent the wrong jobs to India.
Lazy
I’ve always thought that Alex Beam might actually be a good columnist – if he gave a rat’s ass. Unfortunately he clearly doesn’t consider the Globe gig more then chumps issuing him a paycheck for a set number of words on schedule.
Thus we get these smug (even snide) bits of bullshit. Perhaps if he was was given more time to write, or if his editors actually took pride in their product, something interesting might result. As it is the only person Alex Beam interests or impresses is Alex Beam, and he clearly does so mightily.
It’s a pity the Globe is on such a downward spiral (or has it yet just gone into a full-out dive?). They’re obviously too busy putting out fires and covering asses to take on pruning the deadwood and bringing in some new life. Thus Beam’s position remains secure, and the opportunity that column represents is squandered.
Future Alex Beam columns we can look forward to:
“I don’t get Modern Art”
“A listing of my laundry items”
“Towns I consider too elitist”
“Genocide – Get Over It”
“Books I’ve overheard mentioned in an NU cafeteria”
“Stale city gossip rehashed for those too out of-the-loop to know”
“I feel uncomfortable when other straight white men aren’t dominant”
“Why isn’t Alex Beam getting a McArthur grant?!”
and finally
“I can’t be bothered, so an entire column of the letter ‘a’”
Well, it's official.
Alex Beam has become a columnist for The Onion.
Criminy. I could write better stuff than "A List Of Ways I'm Not Cool". He didn't even freaking bring the goddamn thing to a conclusion. "I had a beer in Barcelona even though I don't drink" doesn't count.
Hell, my "disgruntled columnist" character Standwick Mushmeyer could write better stuff than Alex Beam at this point, and he wouldn't even have to mention Hingham.
C'mon, Glob. Let's talk.
Oh, and also
What's up with this byline?
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is .
e-dress?
E-DRESS?!
NO!
YOU LOSE!
YOU GET NOTHING!
GOOD DAY, SIR!
I love the list of future columns!
May I add a few more:
Bands I Don't Listen To
T Stops I've Never Gotten Off At
Stores I Would Not Set Foot Inside If You Paid Me
Websites I Don't Intend To Visit
Languages I Refuse To Learn
Foods I Will Not Touch With A Ten-Foot Pole
Toothpastes I Disapprove Of
My aunt once asked me why I lived in Boston instead of New York. She said Boston was "provincial." At the time, I wondered where she was getting this from. Mystery solved!