Jose Melendez takes time out from his keys to the game tonight to report:

A Red Sox fan in Jose's program revealed to Jose yesterday that her English-American Catholic brother named his son Kapler, in honor of Gabe Kapler, "The World's Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew."

At first Jose was going to write about how this had to have been the first goyish child on earth named after Gabe Kapler. But then Jose thought about it and realized, that this is probably the first child anywhere named after Kapler. The only people who would likely want to name their kid after him would be Jews, but Jews famously, do not name their children after living people. To do so, is extremely bad luck for the person from whom the name is taken. Which raises an important question: Why does Jose's classmate's brother want Gabe Kapler to die? ...