Send out your receiver, Tom, here comes the long bomb
Why did Tom Brady have a rotten season? Why won't he be the same when he returns in August? According to Dan Shaughnessy, it's because he's gone soft. And he hasn't gone soft by sniffing wildflowers and professing his love for kittens in meter and rhyme; no, the real reason is because (and please make sure you're sitting down before your eyes behold the startling truth) Gisele Bundchen was feeding him during their Mexican vacation.
We put up with a lot. We were OK with Tom as Gisele's errand boy, Tom bringing home the flowers, Tom walking Gisele's dog. We were good with Tom and Gisele canoodling in the candlelight, holding hands coming out of a restaurant.
But you simply cannot have your quarterback being fed like an infant at poolside. ... Think of Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. Think of Mike Dukakis in the tank. This was worse.
Ever see a high school player injured in the middle of the game and have his mother run onto the field to hover over him? That's what this is like. A guy might never recover.
Yes, forget any and other theories or statistics which you may have thought about or heard. CHB has accurately and astutely pinpointed the exact reason why Brady didn't play and why the Patriots are taking this weekend off: because Tom Brady let a girl put food in his mouth. On vacation. Oh, those dastardly cooties! Keep a man off his game, they do.
In his next column, Dan Shaughnessy will explain how Tom Brady grew even softer while in Mexico by letting Gisele win at mini-golf, and not even complaining when he'd been given the pink ball.