Inside a Metro editorial meeting

Spatch sets his new play inside the Metro newsroom:

... DUKE: But our usefulness score went up 0.5% in the past quarter. We can't ignore the cold hard facts. We've got to stay useless.

SNAKE-EYES: We're trying our best, sir, but I will admit that we've run into some stiff competition recently.

THE BARONESS (sighing): The Sidekick.

SNAKE-EYES: Sidekick.

DESTRO: Goddamn Sidekick.

DUKE: Yes, yes, I know, damn the Sidekick, thank you all for bringing it up again. But what the Globe does should not impact our own levels of uselessness. If The Globe wants to play the useless game, fine, we'll meet it head-on. But we gotta make sure we're on top of our game. And to do that, we've got to come up with even more ways to be useless. Brainstorming time, gang. Let's start throwing the ideas around. ...

Update: Scroll down to the comments to see how Spatch irritates the editor of the Weekly Kiddie, um, Dig. Can Broadway be far behind?