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Jessica's Question

Jessica's Question

I made a mistake recently. Actually, I don't know if it was a mistake or not.

I hooked up with a friend of mine. But I do not regret what we did.

I have known him for a couple of years and really love him as a friend. I don't really know why we ended up getting together, but it just happened. And now it's kind of awkward between the two of us. Whenever we used to hang out we would cuddle and tell each other that we love each other and cute shit because we are pretty close friends and both people who cuddle a lot I guess. But now when we hang out I am afraid to act like I used to because I do not want him to interpret that as me being interested in him in a romantic way. I don't think I want to be with him in any way other than friends but while I am unsure of my emotions I am pretty sure he wants to be just friends with me.

We haven't talked about what happened or asked each other how we felt about it at all. I don't know if I want to ask to talk to him about it or not because I don't know if that would make it less awkward or more awkward.
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Dear Jessica,

I am a big fan of people fucking their friends. I think, when done properly, it can lead to a deeper friendship, a less desperate couple of people, or even a great relationship. But we all know (because we have been told a thousands times) that, when the aftermath is not handled properly, it can cause all sorts of distress.

In the movies, when two long-time friends have sex, there is only one thing that can happen. The two friends think they have made a terrible mistake, there is some misunderstanding, one of them feels deeply hurt, and then, after a dramatic fight, they fall in loooooooooooooove. Unsurprisingly, things are little more complicated in real life.

Sex can change things. But it doesn't have to. You know what always changes things, though? When we act out of fear. And it sounds to me like you're afraid of two things: 1. Your friend's feelings for you. and 2. Potential awkwardness.

Your friend's feelings for you are a little scary right now mostly because you don't know what they are. You say you are unsure of what you want from your friend, but "pretty sure he wants to just be friends" with you. If that's true, that's not so bad. You loved being his friend before you boned him, and that doesn't have to change. I think you're afraid you might want him more than he wants you --afraid either that the friendship is more important to you than it is to him, or that you might want to date him and he doesn't reciprocate those feelings. You feel vulnerable. And most of us are afraid of being vulnerable. But the thing is, you can't know how he feels or what he wants because you have not asked him.

It's okay to not know how you feel. And it's okay to be nervous about what he feels. You clearly value his friendship and you don't want the fact that you did it to mess that up. But sex very rarely ruins relationships. Misunderstandings and bad behavior ruins relationships. So clear this shit up before anyone behaves badly.

One time, I was nervous about having my good friend, who was my ex-boyfriend, meet my brand-new boyfriend. I said to my friend, "Won't it just be painfully awkward." He said, "Amy, life is painfully awkward." I have always remembered those words of wisdom. Awkward happens. But you are strong (and your friend probably is too), and you will survive the awkward. You can't avoid it anyway. Things are already awkward between the two of you. It's not like he hasn't noticed that you don't snuggle him and do cute shit with him anymore. He might even be hurt by that. So you need to explain, and tell him the whole complicated mess of your uncertainty and fondness and horniness and apprehension. And you need to listen to him tell you what he feels, too.

So: call him up, tell him you have to talk. Make him come to your place. Have a drink or two if you need to. And then spill your guts. You'll either end up snuggly and cute, still confused but somewhat relieved, or fucking your brains out. Any of that is better than living with the uncertainty and the potential for fear-inspired bad behavior. Check out my pointers on "How to Have Fraught Conversations" if you think it will help. And good luck!

AND for more questions and answers, please visit: http://www.smartpeopleonbaddays.com/

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