But if he did, he might write something like this.

Dan Lamothe reminds us of last night's forecast:

... Porcello may not have the headhunter reputation that, say, Joba Chamberlain does, but at some point, it seemed obvious that someone was going to be on the business end of Category 5 Youkilis Firestorm, with an extra chance of helmet. Tonight was that night. ...

Or governor?

And can Canadians run for office in Massachusetts? Because Jason Bay deserves a good position.

Youk's Beard: Word.

Impressionistic photo of the pileup at home plate.

Programming note: Tomorrow's game start at 4:15 p.m., which means it should be over in time for you to get to bed at a decent hour.

Red considers the annual return of the pinstripes to Fenway Park tonight:

... Youkilis will kick somebody's ass. ... Of course, as He Whose Beard Scares Children is currently one of our hottest hitters, we can't risk a donnybrook-induced injury. So we can only hope that John Henry has already assembled the Youk Freedom Fighters -- an elite team of rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists -- to do the dirty work. ...

Beardoftruth.

Via Dan Tobin, who, when he reads this, will know he was not the last person on earth to find out about it.

Youk, too? Yes, Youk.

Used pair of Kevin Youkilis's gameday underwear. Get your bid in now. Don't worry, they've been washed.

Via Red.

Jim Sullivan tries to take our mind off last night with his story of how he once had breakfast right behind Kevin Youkilis:

... As we walked past their booth, I said, "Hi, Yook!"

He looked up and said, "Hi, how are you?"

I then asked, "Just out of curiosity, what IS the breakfast of champions?"

He smiled and gave a little laugh. I persisted.

"No, seriously, what is it?" ...

Beth: You know the injury bug has hit the Sox hard when players are getting hurt between innings.

Kristen: Maybe helmets for infielders? With masks?

NotErnie: Take it back. Take it all back:

Everything you said about JD Drew last year. If the playoff run didn't negate it, this season should. ...

Meanwhile, Cyn explains why Kevin Youkilis really is a horse's ass.