Also, that gay people live in West Roxbury! Sarah Schweitzer's look at changing West Roxbury actually isn't all that bad (did I just say that?) - at least, for people who have paid absolutely no attention to West Roxbury in the past five years, like, oh, the Globe. Also? The "unlaced Converse tennis shoes and chunky glasses" New York arriviste crowd at the local Starbucks is still vastly outnumbered by the fully laced sneakers and Sox hats crowd at the local Dunkin' Donuts. So don't worry, traditionalists: The big neighborhood event is still the annual Little League parade.

Sarah Schweitzer once again makes the tears stream down our faces, with her plaintive cri de coeur on the wrenching downturn on Nantucket:

Sensing a potentially hard summer, businesses such as the Nantucket Gourmet are cutting back inventory. The store is stocking fewer Cuisinarts, jars of Nantucket Secret Spice and Nantucket Pepperguns - the sorts of things that private chefs tend to dash in for before a dinner party. Other businesses are competing in ways they have never had to before. John Merson, who rents renovated historic homes, said he is throwing in a catered dinner and groceries as part of the $5,000 weekly rental price this year.

"People are asking for discounts, bargaining hard," he said. "I am trying to use services to compete so I don't have to negotiate price."

When will it ever end? And you, Mr. Outraged Liberal, you are not helping with your crazy talk:

... Here's a novel idea for the lifestyle beat. Can we hear a word about the lives of the dwindling native island population who have been up against the gun for years as the off-islanders came in and jacked up the cost of everything?

Sure, City Weekly is gone and the Globe newsroom is getting sliced in a million different ways and the whole paper could go poof next week, but none of that matters: Sarah Schweitzer is back on the Lifestyles of the Rich beat!

Today, she reports that the recession is even hitting people who shop on Newbury Street!

Tamer tastes can be glimpsed up and down Newbury Street. At Ralph Lauren, men are shying away from orange-patterned dress shirts and favoring blue gingham ones, opting for charcoal pinstripe over glen plaid suits.

Oh, Sarah, we've missed you so. But dammit, I'm not giving up my orange-patterned dress shirt no matter what sort of looks people give me. It just too much a part of who I am.

But, yes, even a hard-hearted blogger in his underwear like me had to shed a tear on reading of the sheer generosity in the Back Bay these days: Why, one "wealthy Bostonian, who asked that he not be named, so as not to appear to be flaunting," said he gave up his yellow Ferrari because his neighbors were all losing their jobs. The black Maserati he traded it in for is just so much more understated.

The Outraged Liberal writes that if the Globe goes under, Schweitzer could probably get a job churning out a new reality show: Survivor: Newbury Street:

... The Running of the Scarves at Burberry. Getting a table at Stephanie's. Looking for close-outs at Louis. ...

Rich People Reporter Sarah Schweitzer is back with a report on the latest Hot Thing: Rich pregnant women who hire "baby planners" to stock their nurseries because they are terrified of all the tough decisions they'd have to make by themselves at Babies R Us.

None of the planners she interviewed have actually had babies themselves, but that's OK, because they get kickbacks referral fees from companies whose products no doubt are the absolute best ever made.

Sarah Schweitzer reports on the latest issue confronting the weary, beaten-down monied classes: full-day kindergarten:

One parent penned a letter to the [Concord] School Committee, saying studies had shown that students who benefited from the program generally come from "at-risk communities."

Dear Concord parent,

Thanks for reminding me why I couldn't stand Concord when I was a reporter.

Sincerely,

Parent of a non-at-risk kid who went to full-day kindergarten, albeit not in your precious snowflake of a town.

Shocking disclosure: I actually sort of agree with a point our Robb Reporter in training raises: Although I think our daughter did well with full-day kindergarten, I did find it a little sad to see just how much academic work these kids were expected to do. But then Ms. Schweitzer comes through in the clutch with all sorts of down-their-noses sneering at the lesser classes and ties it all together in a trend story based on complaints from, oh, three people, and my faith in her ability to make me rant at the vapidity of people with too much money and the newspaper that serves them is restored.

Reporter to the Rich and Richer Sarah Schweitzer scoops the Herald again on how some people are saving money in these troubled times:

...One executive, who asked not to be quoted by name, said that as a business owner, he is not immune to the economic downturn, which has cut into his company's profits. Like many Bostonians, he said, he is watching his spending habits and has cut back on dining out and is traveling less. But that didn't stop him from recently purchasing a Ferrari. ...

Question for the Globe: Isn't it somewhat lame that you run a story about fin-de-siecle spending by the uberrich only a couple weeks after you ran a story complaining how the new Natick Mall is going down the tubes because rich New Englanders don't know how to spend money?

One of the first things they do is start whining to administrators that their $50,000 a year should buy them common areas where the couches aren't haphazardly arranged, the Globe's Sarah Schweitzer informs us, in another of her exposes on the seamy underbelly of the overclass.

In her ongoing front-page series on the travails of rich white people, the Globe's Sarah Schweitzer today gives us a sensitive, caring look at Duxbury residents desperately trying to prevent their scions from taking the wrong path in life, by paying up to $80 an hour for etiquette lessons at the Duxbury Yacht Club. I think the following sentence sums up the rough road ahead for them:

"So many of these children had never seen two forks," Tunnicliffe said.

The Globe today really puts the news in context. A front page story declaring the worst recession since World War II sits right atop crack investigative reporter Sarah Schweitzer's expose on rich white parents in the South End: South End getting (a lot) younger.

Yes, shocking: Rich white people are taking time out from accumulating wealth to pop out babies!

What has changed, residents say, is that affluent young professionals who once moved away when they planned to have children began about five years ago to stay. Some now are upgrading from smaller, couple-size condos to four-bedroom units that can cost $2 million.

So, hold on, all you yuppies moving to the Natick Mall: Ms. Schweitzer now declares there is life in the old city yet.

However, the story really only continues Schweitzer's - and the Globe's - odd compulsion to turn every little anecdote-based story into some sweeping declaration of a "trend." Is the South End really getting younger? The most recent demographic data on the neighborhood is from the 2000 federal census - in other words, from two years before her alleged trend started.

As Adam Reilly of the Phoenix points out (in e-mail to me, since he can't post to his blog for some reason), there could be another explanation for Schweitzer's anecdotes: Rich white parents (and the stores that cater to them) are displacing poor brown parents in the neighborhood:

In other words, she can't conclusively state that there are more kids than there used to be. But because there are a lot of new upscale options catering to parents with disposable income...QED?

What Schweitzer ignores, obviously, is the possibility that, with the flight of lower- and middle-income families, the neighborhood may have no more kids than it used to, or even less.

Icky poor people? Please. They're Herald readers; we'll have none of that in the New Globe.

It's good to know that, even in the midst of rapidly declining readership, an endless series of staff buyouts and a fast-shrinking news hole, the Boston Globe has found one area in which it can beef up its coverage: Spotting the trends that matter to the Boston area's rich. Because Lord knows this is a group that has been sadly neglected in the past.

Thankfully, the Globe made the right choice in assigning the local Robb Report beat to Sarah Schweitzer,