Dan Shaughnessy

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Dbvader tries to goad Shaughnessy into calling him up and yelling at him by declaring today's column on the Sox/Yankees game possibly one of the worst columns I have ever been forced to read.

Because, as Michael Femia points out, the CHB dares to point out the blindingly obvious facts you would never think of writing about - In this case, that sports fans are more forgiving of their own players. Bonus Shanky points for once again managing to slap Manny Ramirez in a column about Randy Moss and for being unable to figure out why Sox fans will cheer Trott Nixon later this year but still boo Johnny Damon.

It might look like The CHB Blog:

... Many people are surprised to learn that long before I was a world-class sportswriter I was one of the Campbells Soup Kids. ...

Via Dan Shaughnessy Watch, which today tallies up just how many times the CHB has used that "Sons of (current manager's name)" thing over the years, and adds:

... Dan's frequent Clive Rush references are tiresome not so much for their frequency (about 20 times in the last 20 years), but their irrelevance. Most readers under the age of 40 have no idea who Clive Rush was. Yet Dan consistently reminds us Rush was almost electrocuted by a microphone at a press conference 38 years ago. Maybe I am missing something, but the story isn't as interesting as Dan seems to think it is. ...

Indefinitely, apparently.

Dave Scott gets all parental on Dan Shaughnessy and Curt Schilling:

... At some point you would think a higher-up in both organizations, the Sox and the NYT Co. (which, of course, are one in the same in 17 percent of the ways) would have a sit-down with their respective brushback pitchers and encourage them (strongly) to focus on the tasks at hand - throwing strikes for employee No. 38 and writing worthwhile content for Employee No. Whatever. ...

A cool thing about blogs is: If some warped, frustrated old man tries to put you down, you don't just have to sit there and take it:

... Putting his inherent 'toolness' on display for all the world to see did far more than I could ever hope to do by trying to explain what a dope he is. ...

Dan Shaughnessy Watch puts the kibosh on one explanation for his absence:

Contrary to rumblings on the internet, a freshly tanned Dan is not returning to Boston after failing to land the role of Beaker in the touring company of the Muppet Show. ...

Of course, his slamming of everybody who reads Curt Schilling's blog makes the wait worth it.

Dan Shaughnessy Watch compiles a list of terms the CHB uses over and over and over again, such as "Young Theo" and, oddly, "Grey Poupon" - and solicits your help:

What is your favorite Shankism?

OK, this isn't Dan Shaughnessy Watch and it's not like I actually try to read his column any more, but man his column today, in which he takes a break from bashing Sox players so that he can luxuriate in Tom Brady's impending fatherhood, is just puerile. And you can all but hear Herr Shank cackling as he spends - at most - 15 minutes writing it. It ends:

Off the playing field, in 2007, nothing is out of bounds.

Oh, please.

Make Dan Shaughnessy retire and just use some software to create columns consisting entirely of random Shaughnessy phrases (such as "Theo and his minions").

Brian McGrory turns in a tearjerker of a column today, in which he talks to a woman who watched her three brothers brutally murdered in 1997. Go read it - with a box of Kleenex. And then hope McGrory keeps it up.

But now let's turn to the sports pages and Dan Shaughnessy. Oh, Shankie! How many times do we have to tell you? People in the media just have no business complaining about media-generated hype that their organizations helped whip up. You think Matsuzaka's getting too much media attention? Write about something else then. Or as Dan Shaughnessy Watch puts it:

In the spirit of Shank himself, let me begin by stating the obvious. Dan Shaughnessy is a columnist. Columnists, unlike traditional reporters, are given much latitude. They can speculate; they can use humor; they can inject personal opinion. When you read a column, the expectation is that you will be treated to a unique insight or be told a story that you have not heard multiple times elsewhere. Let me end this paragraph by stating the obvious. Dan Shaughnessy fails as a columnist. ...

Dan Shaughnessy Watch explains why.

Dan Shaughnessy Watch is back in operation (although Michael Femia has certainly been doing yeoman work on the CHB beat of late).

Not that it really matters, but: What kind of phone do you think Dan Shaughnessy uses to call in his columns?

Michael Femia dissects today's ADD special so you don't have to:

Suppose Barry Bonds gets hot early. Suppose he's closing in on Hank Aaron when the Giants come to Fenway June 15. Highly unlikely, but just suppose . . .

Wow! That hadn't occurred to me! At least until Gordon Edes mentioned it on the Globe's Red Sox blog yesterday. But I'm sure the notion came to Dan independently, since who reads blogs? ...

John Daley caught Mike "The Old Plagiarizer" Barnicle and Dan "CHB" Shaughnessy on the radio yesterday:

... Barnicle brought up "the blogging thing," and as they chuckled and guffawed away, Dan Shaughnessy chimed in that "all bloggers" are losers and frustrated journalists. And apparently, we're destroying the political system.

To borrow from their friend Imus, Can these guys be more over?

Each day Hank Morse (who?), Mike Barnicle and Dan Shaughnessy produce the most inane, unintelligible hour in the history of Boston radio. It's the closest thing to listening to a conversation at last call in Foleys, on the radio, sober, at ten in the morning. ...

Michael Femia reads Shaughnessy's column so you don't have to.

Soxaholix wonders:

So if guys like Epstein and Belichick being tightlipped with the media is, as Shaughnessy writes, "a waste of everyone's time," then what is a Shaughnessy column discussing said tightlippedness — A double-super colossal waste of everyone's time? ...

There's nothing funnier than a sports writer warning a ballplayer to ignore all the mean things he'll see in the papers when he gets to Boston. Especially when it's Dan Shaughnessy.

Soxaholix muses:

... Shaughnessy's like the O.J. of sportswriters. Always innocent, always some othah guys calling playahs "pieces of filth."

Seriously. He ought to write a book like O.J. and call it "If I wanted to create a negative environment for ballplayers and run them out of town by writing column after vitriolic column, this is how I'd do it." ...

The Chief: The CHB outdoes himself today, flip-flopping all over the sports page like a netted cod:

He criticizes the Red Sox for overspending for Daisuke Matsuzaka while also arguing that the Sox are finally waking up to the "fact" they need to "win now." The piece epitomizes everything that is wrong with Dan Shaughnessy ...

Michael Gee (yes, that Michael Gee) marvels that on a day in which two men are thrown out at home on the same play, all the CHB can come up with is alleged amazement that New York has two major-league baseball teams and a subway:

... As an eyewitness to one of the damnedest plays in post-season history, two men thrown out at home on the same play almost simultaneously, how the triple hell could Dan not make THAT his column? Would it have spoiled the pregame plan? Tough. He should've done what any columnist worth his salt in that spot would've done-whined and wailed, big-foot up the chain of command, and be a colossal pain in the ass until he got his hands on the play as his column topic. ...

I know, I know, not news, but it bears repeating.

On Dan Shaughnessy Watch, Jenny marvels at the suddenly once-a-day CHB, dissects his writing and gets very disturbed at a passage that describes how Terry Francona started coughing up blood during a post-game press conference:

... Is Dan seriously telling us that the media is just standing around watching Francona spit up blood? And then when he tells them he's overdosed on blood-thinners, they shrug and continue to hammer him with Manny questions? What would they do if they were interviewing Theo and he suddenly passed out at their feet? Write "the strain of a failed season in which nearly every move has been questioned finally got to Epstein yesterday blah blah blah" and walk away? ...

His Shankness concludes from the past few games that Ramirez is off in orbit again:

... Bloggers, e-mail friends, fanboys, and other wonderful Globe readers: Please, this is not a Manny rip job. These are facts. ...

He then proceeds to state how wonderfully Ramirez has played the rest of the year, but announces we need to be suspicious because Ramirez won't talk to the media. Ever wonder why he won't talk to you, Mr. CHB?

First, let's all breathe a collective sigh of relief that David Ortiz is "a healthy son of a bitch" who was suffering from no more than dehydration and stress last weekend (update: Or maybe not). We know that from reading Dan Shaughnessy's column today. The one in which Shank admits he's completely out of the loop:

... Incredibly, Ortiz's visit to Mass. General went unreported for almost an entire week. He is one of the most famous (and largest) citizens of New England, and yet no one dropped a dime on his hospitalization until it was reported on an obscure website (carpundit.typepad.com) while the Red Sox were in California. Ortiz confirmed the report in a conversation with the Herald's Tony Massarotti Thursday and last night agreed to discuss the matter for the first time. ...

Why do you think nobody dropped a dime to you and you got scooped not only by an obscure Web site (although props for linking to it) but by Tony Massarotti? Why not look in a mirror and (if you see a reflection) ponder that?

FYI: The column reads sort of like a scoop - Shaughnessy's exclusive interview with Big Papi. In fact, as Tony Massarotti explains in his follow-up column:

... Last night, with the story having reached media outlets all over the country, Ortiz stood before his locker at Safeco Field and answered questions. ...

Even MLB.com filed a report (also crediting Carpundit).

Dan Shaughnessy Watch has more.

Was it only yesterday that the CHB was calling Ramirez a whiny, lying fourth grader?

News that Ramirez may, in fact, have the same sort of problem that's sidelined Jason Varitek, gets Dan Kennedy to wondering when we might expect an apology from His Shankness.

The Chief, meanwhile, dredges up a 2004 Shaughnessy column in which he compares Manny favorably to Joe DiMaggio:

...In it, Shaughnessy notes:

* Both were [sic] the strong, silent type.
* Both are shy and would never brag.
* Both were [sic] Hall of Fame ballplayers.
* Both played through injuries. [!!] ...

Soxaholix: Can't you just picture the Curly Haired Boyfriend in the pressbox at Anaheim last night squinting up his eyes and peering at Papelbon while wishfully thinking "Blow it! Blow it! Blow it!" with every pitch?