First, let's all breathe a collective sigh of relief that David Ortiz is "a healthy son of a bitch" who was suffering from no more than dehydration and stress last weekend (update: Or maybe not). We know that from reading Dan Shaughnessy's column today. The one in which Shank admits he's completely out of the loop:
Sully leaps to defend Ramirez against media attacks:
... What I do know is that, unlike the racist, bloviating Boston mainstream press I am not going to pin the current Red Sox plight on the one guy that had the balls to show up over the weekend against the Bombers. ...
The Chief reports that of late, whenever Dan Shaughnessy predicts or asserts something, the opposite happens:
... He clearly has mystical powers. Like George Costanza, he must be realizing that whatever his gut says will happen is 180 degrees from what is destined to occur.
Beth says Martinez's shellacking almost went too far. After that dropped ball by Lastings Milledge, she thought:
... I wished right then that it was over. I wished the Mets manager would pull him. I wanted there to be mercy. But there wasn't. ... This was defeat. I root for the laundry as much as anyone, but you might as well have drawn a moustache on the Mona Lisa right in front of me. I want the Sox to win at absolutely all times, but I never wanted to see that. ...
OK, so the Globe inexplicably ran a Bob Ryan column about Pedro's return instead of one by the CHB, but still: Go check out and vote on the top 17 entries in Bruce Allen's Shaughnessy Write-Alike contest.
... Tonight he returns. Not as a despised Yankee, as his former teammate Johnny Damon did, but as another Golem of Gotham: a New York Met.
...And his thesis will be along the lines of "Oh, you poor unwashed, unsophisticated, Boston fan fools. You drove Pedro away with your mean Puritanical spirits and the terrible things you said about him. I tried to warn you."
No, not better than Shaughnessy. Exactly like Shaughnessy. At Boston Sports Media Watch, Bruce Allen is running a Shaughnessy write-alike contest:
... Next week, the New York Mets come into town, and of course with them will be Pedro Martinez. We know Shaughnessy will write a column about the return of Pedro. You probably have a good idea what it is going to read like.
So write it.
Over at Boston Sports Media Watch, Bruce Allen summarizes what he's learned about the local sports media in the four year's he's been following them. Among his observations: Local sports radio panders to idiots and Bob Ryan is a glorious exception to the rule that local sports writers are petty and thin skinned - especially his colleague, the Curly-Haired Boyfriend:
Bruce Allen puts off flying to California for his wedding and honeymoon just long enough to post results from the annual Boston Sports Media Watch best/worst columnists poll.
Yep, they have one, and it seems to be just the place for major-league snark. Just today:
Sheriff Sully genially notes that Dan Shaughnessy could not get basic facts about Matt Hasselback right - such as Shaughnessy having him winning a Massachusetts schoolboy award that doesn't exist.
For this one post, Beth could change the name of her blog to Cursed to Worst, because she skewers know-it-all sportswriters who have to rain on the parade of happy Sox fans instead of actually trying to discover new facts:
... I want to know the conversations Theo had, with John Henry, with his friends and family, with a player on the team, perhaps? I want to have been a fly on the wall. I desperately want to know what happened.
A lonely Nation no longer turns its eyes to you, Theo Epstein.
Charley on Blue Mass. Group: I don't know what he'll be doing, but I like having him around. Best sports news this winter.
Red Sox Soul:Welcome to Theopolis!
I can't WAIT to hear the new title, although I'm pretty sure it's not Larry's Bitch...
In today's deliciously snippy if ultimately irrelevant to 99.9% of us column by Alex Beam, we learn that Alex doesn't make $250,000 a year for writing two columns a week. Hmm, but how much, one wonders, does Dan "Five Columns in One Week" Shaughnessy pull down? Although one also wonders if he gets docked for recycling month-old columns.
OK, I swear this is the last Johnny Damon post (well, of the night, anyway). The Chief once again uses his photographic memory (or his Lexis/Nexis account, your choice) to play Dan Shaughnessy against himself - apparently, Shaughnessy doesn't think anybody will remember anything he wrote three weeks ago, let alone in April.