Alex Beam reinforces his position as Grand Fuddy Duddy of Boston journalism with a column about how he just doesn't get this Twitter thing. But, ooh, look, he has an "e-dress," so you can send him one of those newfangled "text" messages from your "cell" phone to explain it to him!

Can't you just imagine him in 1850 complaining about the telegraph?

Don't get. Stop. Know nobody in California. Stop. What waste of money. Stop.

Alex Beam devotes five whole minutes to write up a list of all the things he doesn't use and all the authors he doesn't read. Also, he lets us know he doesn't live in Brooklyn. Just in case we were wondering. Which, let's be honest, we weren't.

Joe Keohane imagines Globe Editor Marty Baron's reaction and not so gently suggests it's time for Beam to either retire or die.

The Globe features department is following up its 9,000-part series on Women: Is there nothing they can't do? with a new series on "Gays: Is there nothing they can't touch?" Latest to discover the Gay is Alex Beam, who today asked:

... Is there any element of contemporary culture that hasn't been appropriated by gays? Or, phrased another way: Hey, gay people! Give me my stuff back, OK? ...

Apparently, Beam can't have sex anymore now that he knows that lesbians buy Subarus and Toyota hybrids, just like him.

Lissa Harris says Beam can bite her:

... We're all anxiously awaiting next Wednesday's column. What will you do? Blame your lousy salary on women journalists dragging down your profession? Scold black people for eating your fried chicken? Nyuk nyuk! You Globe guys are so FUNNY. ...

Speaking of Globe columnists, today marked Brian McGrory's annual spring ritual: Writing a column on Why Boston sucks more than anyplace else in the galaxy. And he always writes it during a rainy week. Hey, Bri, you have cabin fever or something?

Dan Kennedy writes that next time Alex Beam wants to complain about a blogger's grammar, he might want to check to see if he's right first.

Andy Watson explains why Ellen Goodman, Alex Beam and Cathy Young can still turn out good columns.

Martin Solomon, though, wonders why the Globe refused to print the Danish cartoons, but had no such qualms about reprinting an Abu Ghraib photo:

... The Globe can print a photo from almost three years ago, but they can't print cartoons that have resulted In protests and riots around the world, which have resulted in 45 deaths? ... Publishing that photo in today's paper was unnecessary and disgusting. ...

My standard newspaper disclosure.

In today's deliciously snippy if ultimately irrelevant to 99.9% of us column by Alex Beam, we learn that Alex doesn't make $250,000 a year for writing two columns a week. Hmm, but how much, one wonders, does Dan "Five Columns in One Week" Shaughnessy pull down? Although one also wonders if he gets docked for recycling month-old columns.

Yes, I write a weekly column for the Globe's City Weekly, but I'm nowhere near half the columnist Beam is.

Is there any Boston millionaire more familiar with the inside of a courtroom than Bill Koch? Alex Beam is no doubt hitting the legal punching bag even as we speak.

Earlier:
Citizen Koch.

My standard newspaper disclosure.