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Some unbearable advice

WBZ has the latest on the black bear that has been ambling around Concord of late - and includes this advice should you find yourself mano-a-paw with the bear:

They are advised to talk to it calmly while backing away.

Talk to it calmly? Unfortunately, WBZ fails us and doesn't specify just what we're supposed to say as we calmly talk to the bear. Whisper sweet nothings? "Hey, how 'bout that Gronk!" What?

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Comments

Suggest that some NH teenagers need a talking-to.

Remind it of the 2nd Amendment.

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They know their rights.

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Remind it that there are "pick-a-nik" baskets in the neighbors yard.

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stenography and begin to provide the bear with a list of every candidate for municipal office in the Commonwealth. The bear will run, run away.

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Or, better, a bass or a drum set. The bears are getting the band together!

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I thought this was standard procedure for handling bears...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWBcm4kaPFo

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kin and all. And maybe ask for suggestions on how to get them back on track.

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don't take this personally, but your life is a mess. All you do is sleep all winter, shit in the woods, and shamble around the suburbs looking for handouts. You need to get your act together. Shape up. Find some honest work, like your cousin with the keytar. Write a book. Run for congress. You've got your whole life ahead of you, man. Don't waste it.

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You've got your whole life ahead of you, man.

When speaking to a BEAR, it's best not to denigrate them by calling him a "man". Always use a term of high praise, such as "Yogi".

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don't take this personally, but your life is a mess. All you do is sleep all winter, shit in the woods, and shamble around the suburbs looking for handouts. You need to get your act together. Shape up. Find some honest work

Run for congress

While they would obviously fit in with congress, how is that considered "honest" work?

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as long as you lose.

"I am but a simple bear speaking truth to power. I know your troubles and feel your pain. I have often been hungry. I am homeless, and naked., and poor. I cannot even speak, except in the comments section."

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...and I'm def not from New Hampshire.

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Do you listen to the Invisibilia podcast? Do you want to eat a pecan from my mouth?

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Op-ed piece by Pamela Druckerman from about two years ago:
""The book recommended speaking to the animal in a firm monotone...A neighbor claimed to have scared off the mother bear and cubs he met in his driveway by announcing, 'Stop! I am president of the Homeowners Association and I will fine you if you hurt me!'...I made my 6-year-olds practice holding their backpacks above their heads, staring at the ground, and stating, 'Go away bear, I’m in first grade.'”
More here:
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/20/opinion/how-not-to-think-about-bears....

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Classic bit of fearmongering in politics:

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"There's a bear in my beer!"

(from a 1980 "Doonesbury" strip)

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