Live on Action News!

In the middle of a full-head-of-steam rant on how slow torture would be too good for the Globe's telemarketing department, because it keeps calling him no matter how many times he says he doesn't want home delivery of the Globe, Charlie summarizes every local newscast ever, so you no longer have to rush home from work to catch the evening news:

... An abandoned warehouse caught fire in some town you've never heard of, out in the 'burbs. Firemen are still fighting the blaze.

There's a big traffic jam downtown. If you don't have a downtown, then a trailer truck jackknifed on the highway. Miraculously, no one was hurt.

The big local murder/fraud/divorce/jaywalking trial is about to begin. Opening arguments are scheduled for next week.

Police are looking for a suspect in a bank robbery. Or a B&E. Or a liquor store heist. Details at eleven.

There was a house fire, somewhere west of town. A child/dog/pet goat alerted the family. ...