What could be worse than Christmas music before Halloween?

If Rachael Ray really does need to keep like a million pounds of coffee on hand, then perhaps she is precariously balancing on that brink. Maybe at this time next year, after the complete meltdown, she'll be shilling for Kappy's.

"When it's holiday time and I'm gearing up to deck the malls, there's always a few precious traditions which my family and I share. The first is always a stop at Kappy's to load up on enough booze to make an elephant sing How Dry I Am because boy oh boy will we need it, because we're always hyper and the holidays drive us absolutely freakin bonkeroonie! If you want to talk about great benders for under $20.00 a day, you gotta start with the letters K, A, P, another P, and then a Y! I always have like a zillion bottles of gin on hand, just in case someone brings a lime over as a gift, and if I'm not knocking back the appletinis by the Fourth Day of Christmas, then I probably haven't regained consciousness from the Second Day yet (Bloody Marys, delish!) Of course, my mom and I have our own little escape tradition as we try to soften our delirium with a little bit of Christmas cheer, and a little bit more, and a little bit more -- who doesn't like a little eggnog with their rum, right? (Yummo? More like Rummo! See what I did there? I said Yummo but I said rum instead! I made it up and you didn't so don't use it or I'll cut you I swear to god I will.) And of course to go with my million pounds of Dunkin Donuts coffee, I've got like a million quarts of cheap whisky. I didn't know they had a distillery in Saugus, but hey, who cares about the taste if it helps quiet down the other voices in your head, right? Speaking of which, I was told to cut you earlier and I swear to god I will if you don't try these delish Christmas cookies. We put cooking sherry in them but unfortunately the alcohol burns off while baking so we dip them back in the sherry before we eat, and boy howdy yahoo is that one nummy num num treat! Nummy num num... nummy num num... oh god, what have I become? I talk baby talk to food on cable television. Sometimes I'm, y'know, embarrassed to think that's how I make my living. Is fame and fortune worth losing all my, like, dignity? I mean you can only roll around naked in a pile of hundreds so many times before it loses its novelty. Oh you'd do it too if you had the chance, don't you goddamn lie to me now. We punish liars in the Ray family, and I know where each and every piece of cutlery is in this kitchen. This is my kitchen, isn't it? Where'd I put my cosmo?"